An irreplaceable me

I always try to get what I want.  I pray and I believe what I want is driven by the calling of God and I try to pursue.

Recently, I try to be mature.  My desire of being a grown up woman is so strong.  Normally, girls at my age are considered as mature women.  However, I am still at college and I am taken good care of by my parents.  I don't feel like I am a woman even though I have my own thoughts, I have my own dreams.  I have a boyfriend but I don't think I am mature enough to be with him.  I feel like a little girl when I am around him and I sometimes even feel like we are in that kind of relationship will never come up with a "let's live together" decision because I am too young.

I asked God to bring me the one.  The one that I am longing for and the one who loves God first, and loves me unconditionally, take care of me and lead me in life and I am irreplaceable.  IRREPLACEABLE.  When will I meet that person who considers me as irreplaceable?  Jesus told me as a woman, I don't need to strive or arrange, I don't need to make it happen.  He wants me to respond---like how I responded to Him.

Jesus said I am his irreplaceable daughter, and He promised He will bring me the best, as long as I wait with patience.  And yet, I am still waiting. 

Trust issues

I think one problem of dating issues nowadays is both parties are afraid to show their true selves. This is one of the major reasons why marriages fail. You cannot marry someone if they have never seen the real you or if you are not sure that you have seen the real them. One sign that one or both of you are hiding your true self is if you have never had a disagreement or argument. Instead of confronting what you see as a problem, you are changing something about yourself that you may regret at a later time.

And yesterday, I realized there is something bigger apart from hiding your true self. It is TRUST.

Trust is a major issue when dating. You would like dating to be mutually exclusive, but because of past experiences, feelings of mistrust intrude upon the relationship. I kind of experienced that but I guess there is just something I need to deal with on my own. I am always afraid of losing someone/something, and I don't think I am good enough to keep them. That is why I am scared of my boyfriend would like someone else while dating me. Or, similar things like this.

However, God said: Soda, this is stupid. You have to stop thinking in this way because I will take care of this. Trust me.

I believe the way to overcome trust issues is to talk through any feelings of mistrust. Expain and explore. By talking through these issues, trust can be expanded and given to your partner.
I am willing to take the time to talk to my boyfriend about everything on my mind. I think the wider the variety of topics, the more I will understand whether the relationship is worth pursuing.

So, I am trying to let go everything, again, and again. This is really a life-long lesson in my life. God, I allow Your strength to come into me..

Blessedness

I love kids. I used to make a really funny joke (at least I think is funny, but just because of lauguage) about how much I want to have kids. I remember that night me and my friend were looking at pictures of his younger sister, and I suddenly said:

" Oh she is so cute. I want to get pregnant!"

My friend looked at me and said, " Soda, that is not right. You want to have kids, and you need to get married first!"

But I continued to emprasize that I want to get pregnant. But I wanted to express, I am so exctied about seeing myself having another life in my body, and that is such a blessing from God.

Luckily, before I can have my own kids, I spent time with lots of amazing super cute kids. I have been teaching the summer day camp at my church for 3 years, and I also met married couples' kids. I feel so alive being around with kids. Kids are pure, they tell their hearts; some kids cry all the time, they need love from others, and I learnt that human beings are vulnerable, it is okay to express our emotions; some kids always want to get your attention, and I know what this is human nature, everyone wants to get attention from others to show he/she is part of your life.
I just learnt so much from the kids.

      

I specailly love how kids just love Jesus without any doubts. They trust Him, and they pray with their whole hearts. That is pure love, and in the Bible, He said:

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”( Mattew 18:3)

When we grew up, we think we have more power and we are able to not trusting God to just in control of our lives, but the fact is we can't. We are sinnful and we need to continue to seek help from God. Spending time with the kids is such a blessing in my life, I love it. And I realized that I have to rely on God and trusting him without any doubt like a kid does.

I pray that God can continue to show me how amazing He is, and I believe that kids reflecting His grace. I am so blessed.

The Fears

I am weird.

When I am afraid of something, means I want that thing. But when the thing I want invites me to come, I hold back. I reject. I feel like the invitation is not real, then I would be really upset. I know the reason, I know is just because of the fears I have.

I fear that I can never get the thing I want, I fear that I don't have the strength to chase for my goals. I fear that the people I love would not love me back. I fear that God would not help me out and show me directions. They are scary. Very scary.

Who can I ask help from? Do I trust the Lord? Or in other words, am I willing to let go all my fears and go to God and ask Him for help, that I know FOR SURE He will help?

We seldom have fear in those things that we are able to achieve. A man's basic sin is his choice to offer strength only in those situations where he knows things will go well. In this situation, man has no fear, but he fear to face challenges, face the difficultities.However, the fear is real, is our true selves. I read, and I talked to awesome people, I learnt that, yes, fear is not good, but it is good when you turn to God.

God invites us to ask Him for help when we have fears. He loves it when we gripped with doubts and fears that He can not help but turn out He shows us HOPE. That's why He is awesome, that is the way He shows He is God.

God calls us to stop hiding. Fear is the true, is the feeling that we truly feel. We are weak, but God helps us to become stronger in our fears. He is our helper.

I don't know how to hide my fears, but I try to give all my fears to God. I want to seek for wisdom from the Lord, I need Him to comfort me, to heal me. And, I am so ready to become a stronger woman.

Little surprises in life: open our hearts to the romancer

My sister from church received a special gift from her boyfriend this week. She got a mysterious phone call from Tomlee, a musical instrument store the other day. The person in the phone told my friend that they would send her " a package for you" on the next day.

Friend was shocked. First, she did not order anything from Tomlee. By the way, my sister plays piano, so she buys things from Tomlee often. Second, you don't get a package from Tomlee if that is just a piano book. So it must be something bigger than that, something that she did not know what that is but I think she figured out something.

Without doubt, the package was ordered by her boyfriend. And the next day at night, when she went back home with an exhausted soul after working at church for 9 hours, she saw a beautiful ukulele (a kind of hawaiian small guitar) laying on her desk.

She sent me a message to tell me about it and I was so happy for her. I wonder how bad I miss these little surprises in my life. When I am looking at this picture of the ukulele, it seems her boyfriend is telling my friend:

      " I'm glad you like it, my love."

Yes, she loves it. And I can tell how excited she is when I look at her face. It is romantic. A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she is loved. We are long for romance. These surprises warm melt our hearts and we know we are loved. You may tell yourself when you get a small surprising gift: there is someone who thinks of me when he/she buys this, and he/she wants me to smile when I see this.

Do you have moments like this? 

No more worries: God is what you need

I am worried about money again.

Friends who know me knew that I struggled with money a lot before I went to America. I did not get scholarship from school, I did not want to ask my family to help, so I worked very hard to make money, I saved money on food, transportation. I know that going to America for 6 months will be an extra expense to my family, that's why I want to do as much as I can to save up my own money to pay for the fee.

At the end, I saved up some and my parents paid for some, and I had enough to use. I had an awesome time on this exchange program in the States, I realized that no matter how worried I was, God will always look after me. I met good American friends and they offered me free rides so that I was able to save up money on transportation; I contacted my old friends to ask if they can offer me places to stay when I went to their cities and they always said "yes". I am so thankful. I don't need to worry. But I am also proud of myself that I worked hard to reach my goal, that was not fun, but it was a good experience. If you want something, you can't just sit there and ask for it.You may feel Pain and Frustration and Bitter before you can taste the sweetness.

Agree?

And this time, I have something want to do again and I know I have to do it all over again as what I mentioned earlier. Work again, save up money again, but I try not to worry. I know how I felt at that time, 8 months ago. I calculated the money I had in my account everyday even though I know it would be the same within a month, I was so nervous, I always cried because I was worried. I don't want that anymore. Even though I am not sure if that would happen, I will just keep doing it, and keep praying about it.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.
His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7)

3 months later: I am back to Hong Kong.

I've been back to Hong kong for more than one month. Fast pace, lights shine, this is Hong Kong, this is the city that where my family and friends are in. I am back.

Days are simple, sometimes boring. At the first week home, I felt like I was not productive at all, I spent the whole day at home tidied up my room, and washed clothes, and then, I did the same thing again on the next day. Day after day, I looked at pictures that I took in the States. I missed my friends, I miss the south, I miss PC (Presbyterian College, the school I went to in Clinton, SC), I even missed GDH (the cafeteria which provides bad food). How weird is that.

But days started to become busy, as I realize I had to go through that boring days, I met up with old friends, I went back to church, I stared to read, and future planning. Things can easily fill up your life if you try to look for things that you can do ahead. I felt like I am catching up the normal pace of this city, I did not stay at home that often, I had things to do. However, I know I am just too nervous about the life here.

This is unexpected. I thought I can adjust it pretty good and be willing to continue to live here. I was not worried about the future but now I am. So many thought in my mind, I can't stop worrying. In the past 6 months, I had awesome experiences in America, and I wish I could go back some day to work, or say, to live. I treasure those beautiful memories, and I want to create new memories. But at the same time, family and friends are here in Hong Kong, my parents don't want me to leave. Seems there are a lot of things for me to consider, and they will be big decisions.

Then I came to God. I asked, God, would You bring me back to States? Or You want me to stay here, to serve people here, to serve You here? I believe the power of prayers, I know if I ask, He must answer. There is one world, and we live in the same global village, you don't have to stay at one place forever, there must be somewhere far away belongs to you, which will be a way more suitable for you than the place that you are living in. Experiencing America in the past 6 months was a blessing, it was provide by God. Maybe one day, He will bring me back, and meet some old friends again, and we will create better memories.

You will never know. Just keep praying until something happen.

Wish you were here: what are you doing for others?

From 11st to 14th April, here in Minneapolis, Minnesota, "Our world, Our future" youth conference is changing the world.

You might not know there are so many teenagers contributing to the communities by doing very simple things everyday such as collecting water bottles and paper, just little by little, making the world better;

You might not know there are 8 years old kids using their imagination to draw beautiful painting for the libraries to encourage people to read;

You also might not know, you can be one of those people. To be someone who serves.
You don't have to have a college degree to serve, you just need to step out
What are you doing for others?
Jesus served, and He is the answer
But Christ has always been the answer through somebody

And you know what? You are that person.

Start from today, do something for others.

Growing up

Growing up is a tough process.
You look for something important in your life,
The person you love, the life you want, the place you want to stay at
but most important, you are looking for yourself. To know yourself.
It is hard.
I don't know what will happen in my life
But I just want to follow my heart.

Choice: Make A Good Decision

I finally went to church this morning. Some friends know that I've been looking for a church to go for a month. The fact is, I just came here one month ago. Looking for a good church for myself seems a little bit difficult for me. I am in the south, I have no connection with people here who go to church regularly. Just randomly go to one church? I really don't want to.

So today I went to Capstone with friends of my friend, Doug. Doug is a funny guy who has the same class with me. He plays guitar, and I assume he sings. I have some misunderstandings on him because I thought he is an arrogant man. But we talked the other night, we carried really good conversations. From music to religion, we talked. And I believe that was God's work on us. That's how I was able to go to Capstone this morning.

I was looking forward to this Sunday for a while. On Saturday afternoon, some friends suggested that we should go to a lake house to spend the weekend. Frankly speaking, I really wanted to go. Lake house,sitting around the camp fire, just hang out, seems pretty relaxing. Church, Lake house, church, Lake house, what should I choose?

At last I chose church. I struggled but I finally made a choice for myself. It is a difficult process when you are facing to two different options which you think are both good. You want both but you know you can only pick one. Going to lake house would be so fun but you know it is not important. You can still go to church next Sunday but you know it is not just about that.

Eventually my friends had a great weekend at the lake house. They jumped into the lake at midnight for twice in -7's cold weather! I really wish I were there. But I had a great Sunday morning too. Going to church makes me feel peaceful and I feel closer to God. I have time to think about the previous week and pray, worship God and make a plan for the next week. It is not exciting but it is amazing. I am happy for my friends because they had a crazy weekend and I am also happy for myself.

This is a book that I received from Capstone. I like the tittle. Yes, people always want something good and when they get good things, they want better things. They ask for more and they even ask for perfect. But we know that nothing is perfect. We are not perfect. "Good enough", we don't know what is good enough. I have no idea what should "good enough" be. Making good decision doesn't mean that you can get something good. There are lots of choices. But one thing at least you should know is what kind of things you want in your life. Hm, there are still lots of things for me to learn.

Good luck : Where Did I Get My Luck?

I am going to call Thursday as "Good Thursday" because I just won a NOOK tonight in a bingo game organized by a student club at school.

Yes, nothing specially except for the surprise: a tablet. I went to work out with my friend Emily as usual, went to eat dinner with Manon, went back to dorm and waited for the game. I didn't prepare for wining anything, not even a tee-shirt.

Bingo is a game that makes people nervous a lot. You won't expect anything until you almost win. You hope that the next number be called would be the one you need, you look around and see if someone wins. Everyone wants to be the winner. I was nervous when I was playing the game too. The first round, no. The second round, no. I didn't want to continue anymore and then, I won. It was totally out of expectation. I got a tee-shirt and a cup for that round and I was very happy because I came with nothing at the beginning.And then at last, I even won this tablet by lucky draw. 

I was so excited. I was thinking: where did I get the luck? I am not a lucky person at all. This is so unusual. I don't need a tablet, at least I won't buy one. But now I have it, I was like: what??

When I was back at dorm, when I calmed down. I started to think that maybe this is because of God. It is God gave me this luck. I remember me and my boyfriend talked about how God gives you something back if you offer something. At that time, I was upset with him giving money to a lady in the street. I told him: you are very stupid, I will never give money to a beggar in the street.

That's in Hongkong, I will never just give money to a random person who is asking for "help". However, this weekend in Savannah, I did this "stupid thing". There was a lady in the park, she was sitting on the bench, carrying a plastic bag, looked upset. I walked by, and she suddenly talked to me:
"Excuse me ma'am, do you have some coins? I am so hungry and I need money to buy food."

Usually I would just pass by because I don't think that is true. I love helping people but not in this way. But I was so unusual on that day. I said " Oh I am so sorry, but I don't have coins. Take this 1 dollar or do you need me to buy something for you?"

The lady looked at me and took the 1 dollar, said " no, thank you ma'am. I will get some food."

Yeah I know, sounds like this woman just sits there and ask people for money. And I just gave her 1 dollar, not much at all. But I didn't doubt at the beginning and I offered the money I have. I didn't have too much in my purse, I could give her much but I think sometimes human-beings are still selfish. 


But I believe the prize I won tonight is the reward from God. God appreciates that subtle thing I did and He wants me to continue to do that. To help people who are in need, to love people. Maybe I should buy a book and start to read in my new tablet.

Two Days in Savannah- Love At First Sight

This is Savannah, an antique town located in Georgia. I've been looking forward to visit this beautiful southern city for a long time, even before I came to the States. My boyfriend went there once and he likes it. I basically just like old things. I am very fascinated by even small thing like a brooch, or just a photo. And now, I am attracted by a town.

We set off at 6 o'clock in the morning on Saturday. It was mizzly in Clinton on that day, we were carrying our baggage and complaining the bad weather at the same time. No one wants the bad weather to ruin his weekend.

Three hours' drive, we feel asleep in the van when it is dawn and we woke up see bright and shine right before the hotel we would stay in Savannah. Amazing. The weather there was so good, the sun shined kindly. "It would be a great weekend!" I told myself.

The hotel we stayed at, Spring Hill.

The first thing we did is town tour by taking the tourist bus. We saw the whole historical area of downtown Savannah. The buildings are gorgeous. They look old but elegant. It seems each house has her own soul, unique and serene. I thought it would be so cool to just live in one house for one day, I would just make coffee, and sit in the sofa, maybe I will bring some books, but I would definitely play music. I can also iron clothes, put some pictures on the wall, or just put different clothes on to make myself happy. I think the richest person in the world would jealous me if I could do that in such a beautiful house like that, just do something I enjoy.

A house at the corner of the street.

I like the flowers here. They are bright-colored. I bet those flowers have been there for 100 years. They seem never die but can still keep the original color. As well as the trees, very green very tall, smell young but look old. Maybe this is the thing that makes Savannah more attractive.

I also love the churches here. There are different kinds of churches, different architectural styles. To me they are epic.

Going on a trip with friends is something that I really enjoy. In this trip, I spent time with the friends I know only for one month but we built up close relationships. being around with them makes my life brighter. We laughed in the tourist car, we cuddled the big tree like kids, we made silly face took funny pictures. The weather in Savannah became better because of them.

I don't think two days are enough for me to see this city. There are too many places for me to go, to many details for me to discover. I don't think my pictures can tell how beautiful Savannah is. When I was lying on the bed at night, I text my boyfriend and said maybe it would be a good idea for us to live in this city. Seriously, I cannot imagine I said that because I always tell him I would not leave my family and go to another place to stay. However,  the antiques in Savannah bring me tour to the old days and confer up old memory and fantasy. I think I'm in love with this city.

 

Party Time On Saturday Night: We Quaffed Wine

Saturday night always means something. Finish the work of the whole weekdays, no pressure (if you can really do that), and plenty of time. Everybody is looking for someone to be with, to do something together.

Last Saturday night was a good one to me since I came to the States. All the international students went to a nearby city Greenville to celebrate the nice couple Ben (the french) and Shelby (the American)'s birthdays. 5 cars, nearly 20 people, boys and girls, all the way to a Japanese restaurant. It was good, a lot better than the cafeteria of school. 

I treasure the time of enjoying food with people after I came here. When I am in Hongkong, people do not talk that much when they eat. I guess it is not a Chinese thing. Chinese do not usually share what they think. I guess. People just keep looking at their cellphones, sending out text messages, or playing games. They seem too busy to talk. But here, people carry out conversations on the table. People more treasure the quality time when they eat. As I am here, I do the same. Every time when I eat with my friends in the cafeteria, I talk, I listen. It becomes a very important to me in a day. I see it as a mingling time, friends become closer to each other. I cannot eat alone, I do not like to eat alone.

We back from meal and we decided to play all night to celebrate the birthdays. I think it was a great idea because it was Saturday night. I had bad mood on that day, even the day before, or the past one week. Having fun with friends for one night does not harm!

A table of alcohol. Lights off, lase on. We danced, we talked, we watched videos, we took silly pictures, we quaffed wine. We had fun. I know we did. Party is never a thing that I used to. I do not party a lot back at home. The so called "party" to me is not like the party in USA, not consuming alcohol that much, not dancing that much. 

But I felt like not hating it on Saturday night. I enjoyed it a lot. I felt safe being around with friends even though we were all drunk. We did not even know what our conversations were, we just talked nothing. It meant something to me. Yeah, it was the night that I really felt release. 

"Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets just love;
 We can dance until we die, you and I will be young forever."


Me and my friends sing this song in the car for one million times.

 

 

Sunshiny in South Carolina: enjoy here,breathe the air

As usual, I overslept this morning. Missed one class, the third time. Not good.
I felt so bad when I woke up. I know I am bad at getting up. But at the same time, I cannot stop asking myself: is there something wrong with my body? Why I sleep like passing out recently?

Yes. I told my friends there must be something wrong with my body. Two truths are:I nearly work out everyday, and, I am on my period. I should drink lots of water, eat lots of fruits, or taking tons of vitamin pills like eating chocolate, just to make sure that my body is alright.

Chinese is always making sure everything is alright. I am Chinese, I do the same. Before I came here, I tried to make sure I have enough money for travel. The first week I stayed here, I wanted to make sure I can adjust the new environment. And now, 3 weeks later, I am still hoping things are good. I walk properly, I eat healthy, I clean up my room everyday. I think everything would be just as fine as in Hongkong. However, no matter how much you do, things screw up. I had bad mood in the past few days, the weather in Clinton has been raining and foggy, perfect mate for my sorrows. Emotional emotional, that is how woman works, right?

"I do not want to be like that anymore", I talked to myself after I was up. I opened the window, damn, the weather was so good. Sunshiny, birds are singing, grass is smiling ( I must be crazy because grass does not have a face how can they even smile?) but the weather is really good. Warm outside.

I grabbed something quick to eat, a hotdog and a chocolate trifle pudding cup. I do not want to think about how sweet how high fat it is, I just want to eat. I do not want to lie,  the pudding cup looks so yummy!!!

When I went back to the dorm, Ida, the Norwegian girl, asked me if I want to sit under the sun. I never been asked to sit under the sun by someone as just asking me for a walk. This is one thing that I do not usually do in Hongkong. At weekends, we would go out for shopping, for a movie, for some exhibitions, but not for "sitting under the sun". "Hm, interesting", I mean, "why not?"

This was my first time to feel so relaxing and did not need to think about anything, to just sit with a friend, enjoy the beautiful weather, talk whatever we are interested in. Ida and me talked about our own countries (Norway and Hongkong, China), discussed recent issues, shared our personal stories and future plans, from 2pm to 4pm. I suddenly felt so released in these causal conversations with a friend on Friday afternoon. Two people from different places were sitting on the stairs outside of the dorm in the States. That was amazing.

                  

I was thinking, maybe the weather will be like this after today. Maybe better. Some of my friends told me that it will snow in South Carolina soon. I am looking forward to it. I know it will be cold when it snows, but I am not going to feel cold, I will enjoy. Making sure everything to be good? Well, everything is actually great here, isn't it?