It didn't feel real- February

I thought I would never write here.

The reason why I said that is because I started to journal, on a notebook, use a pen and actually write down words, sentences and paragraphs.

Second reason is because in the past 40 days, life was unreal. I was lost.

Went to the US for Christmas. I had a blast there, spent time with great people in Atlanta GA and visited my friend Syd in Eufala AL. I was so in love with the people and the US. Hoping to go back there and everything had been good. I was so excited to see what will happen next and was never be that happy before.

Then I came back to Hong Kong. Things changed unexpectedly. A month later, my boyfriend broke up with me. All the sudden I felt so undesirable. I cried a lot and felt so lonely. The person that I could see myself marrying with told me that his heart was not there with me. It was unreal.

I was scared to tell myself: it happened. It did.

I thought there is something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he ever like me? Am I his burden? Questions, so many questions, I asked myself, and asked God: why did you bring me someone that I dream of and took him away?

It totally went crazy. I felt so depressed, cried every second. My friends told me that was normally in 48hours of breaking up but it went a lot longer than that for me.

And now, at the end of February, me and him broke up for a week, I am still hurting. Is February real? Was that a dream? I still miss him so much.

Obviously I am at a low point of my life. I felt so helpless and was ready to give up. But God amazed me at this moment. Yes, because of the Lord, I am still functioning and living life.

It is unreal- how much love I can feel from God in February. When he broke up with me, I was so heartbroken and laying on the bed, crying like a baby. I felt like God didn't love me anymore, He didn't see me. But He blessed me with great friends, they support me and listen to me. These angels from God are around me everyday and encourage me. I am thankful that I have the ability to cry, to share emotions. Though I am still sad, I know that God is working on my life and forming me into a strong woman.

I know, this is a life-long learning process. It is so difficult. I am still challenging myself on this. Breaking up is hard, breaking up with a person you love is even harder. Recently I started to write and pray for my future husband, I believe that the Lord is preparing me to be a good wife, and also is preparing my husband to meet me. And through every break-up, I know more about myself and realize that how God is teaching me through weakness.