what is my FAITH?

Started from last Saturday, when people asked me" how are you doing?", I was able to say.

"I am doing good!"

Instead of saying "I am doing okay", I feel that I am doing good. I am.

I believe some many people had prayed for me and are still doing the same, which makes me really happy. The power of prayers and Holy Spirit pulled me out from the darkness, the sadness, the weakness, the hurts, the pain... I felt undesirable, I felt disappointed, I even felt God abandoned me. But 3 weeks later, today, I am feeling right and strong, ready to give up myself to God, and let Him lead me, fully.

There are something I still believe and have a strong feelings about, but I know I can't be God and get whatever I want. I confessed that sometime during the past few weeks, I was fooling myself that as long as I did something, I might able to change the situation. But the result is, I felt extremely helpless. I didn't know where I should go next to "be in control" because nothing seemed is really in control of my hands.

I said I should carry on, but I was not carrying on at all. I was not giving up everything to the Lord.

After prayers and prayers, reading God's words, reading books and journaling, I finally noticed that I was a fool. What am I holding back and not showing to God? What am I doing here but not stepping forward? What am I waiting for?

Am I waiting for a fake hope?
Or am I fearing to face to the fact?

Those thoughts are in my mind all the time and they are stopping me from moving forward. Satan is giving me a message that God is loving me less and letting me alone in a messed up situation. But, the victory belongs to the Lord- I am not beating down by the negative thoughts. Instead, I am ready to face to the difficulties and challenge myself to be a stronger woman.

I listened to a same sermon over and over again in the past few weeks. It delivered the message that God is in control of the storm. It is difficult to see God when we are in a bad situation, like when we lose a job, when we lose a relationship or when a family member leaves us. In these situations, we may asked" God, where are you? Why do You put me in this situation?"  But if we have faith in God, we know that the same God is in control in the good time just as in control in the tough time. God will direct the winds of the storm to blow you where He wants you to go.

And so, 3 weeks later, I say " I am doing good" and I mean it.

Stay in faith. I know this storm is blowing me to my destiny.

Prayer Of the Week

I dreamed a lot recently. Most of the time I had a dream at night and woke up from the dream, looked at the phone it was usually 6am.

It lasted for about a week that I dreamed of the same people. I woke up and I felt very lost. The dreams made me sad. I prayed to God that please please just give me peace, please take those dreams away from me, please help me to move on.

But I had a sad dream last night again. Dang.

Friends who are close with me know what have been happening. Apparently I am still struggling with what happened in my ex-relationship. I don't have peace about it. I can't let it go. I do a lot of things, meet a lot of people to try to fill my time in because I am scared to be alone.

People told me that not to worry it just takes time. I asked God how long He would put me in this situation. Every night before I go to bed, I fall asleep and pray. In my prayers, I pray for him and pray for my friends. But this week, I want to specifically pray for myself. I pray for good rest, pray for strength to go through this time and pray for a better understanding to know the Lord.  I know that God is teaching me through daily-life experience , and He is restoring amazing things in my life.

Please pray for me if you are reading this post. I will be so thankful. 

It didn't feel real- February

I thought I would never write here.

The reason why I said that is because I started to journal, on a notebook, use a pen and actually write down words, sentences and paragraphs.

Second reason is because in the past 40 days, life was unreal. I was lost.

Went to the US for Christmas. I had a blast there, spent time with great people in Atlanta GA and visited my friend Syd in Eufala AL. I was so in love with the people and the US. Hoping to go back there and everything had been good. I was so excited to see what will happen next and was never be that happy before.

Then I came back to Hong Kong. Things changed unexpectedly. A month later, my boyfriend broke up with me. All the sudden I felt so undesirable. I cried a lot and felt so lonely. The person that I could see myself marrying with told me that his heart was not there with me. It was unreal.

I was scared to tell myself: it happened. It did.

I thought there is something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he ever like me? Am I his burden? Questions, so many questions, I asked myself, and asked God: why did you bring me someone that I dream of and took him away?

It totally went crazy. I felt so depressed, cried every second. My friends told me that was normally in 48hours of breaking up but it went a lot longer than that for me.

And now, at the end of February, me and him broke up for a week, I am still hurting. Is February real? Was that a dream? I still miss him so much.

Obviously I am at a low point of my life. I felt so helpless and was ready to give up. But God amazed me at this moment. Yes, because of the Lord, I am still functioning and living life.

It is unreal- how much love I can feel from God in February. When he broke up with me, I was so heartbroken and laying on the bed, crying like a baby. I felt like God didn't love me anymore, He didn't see me. But He blessed me with great friends, they support me and listen to me. These angels from God are around me everyday and encourage me. I am thankful that I have the ability to cry, to share emotions. Though I am still sad, I know that God is working on my life and forming me into a strong woman.

I know, this is a life-long learning process. It is so difficult. I am still challenging myself on this. Breaking up is hard, breaking up with a person you love is even harder. Recently I started to write and pray for my future husband, I believe that the Lord is preparing me to be a good wife, and also is preparing my husband to meet me. And through every break-up, I know more about myself and realize that how God is teaching me through weakness.